


Puppies with Seagull Tattoos

by Maldoror_Chant



Category: One Piece
Genre: I mean how can it NOT be funny, M/M, Mpreg, but at least it should be funny, complete and utter crack, in no way take this seriously, result of a meme prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-02
Updated: 2019-04-02
Packaged: 2020-01-01 03:16:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18327521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maldoror_Chant/pseuds/Maldoror_Chant
Summary: Of the unexpected dangers of being a Rokushiki user.(Crackfic. Total and utter crackfic.)





	Puppies with Seagull Tattoos

**Author's Note:**

> Awhile back I did one of those list-your-characters memes that then challenges you to think of a story/circumstance for combinations thereof. For eg, what would happen if character number 12 on the list gets number 8 pregnant. On my list, this ended up with Jyabura bearing Smoker's children, which is just a stupid- *plot bunny gank* 
> 
> Thus this fic made of pure unadulterated crack was born. I only post it here because I promised myself to archive everything properly this time, and because I can use this as requisite proof for an insanity plea in a future trial I may one day endure.

The day had started off perfectly normally, with Jyabura, Lucci and Kaku tearing up the courtyard in a three-way practice brawl that was threatening to collapse the newly rebuilt Tower of Justice all over again. 

Lucci aimed a kick at Jyabura who, confident in his superior Tekkai, took it full on with an arrogant sneer. Lucci fell back...but instead of a follow-through, Jyabura stood there with a funny look on his face, still in the same pose, and then collapsed with howls of agony.

The medics took him to the infirmary. Jyabura shouted every step of the way, in pain, but also to inform the world that 'This didn't mean he'd lost!' and that 'He'd just popped a hernia, yawning at the pussycat's pathetic efforts- OW!' and so on.

Kaku and Lucci hung out in the ward while the doctors worked on their patient, Kaku out of genuine concern for the loud-mouthed idiot and Lucci out of a need to glare in irritation, because if the moron kicked the bucket there would be a ton of paperwork to fill in. 

The medic measured and pinched and palpated, and announced there were multiple growths beneath the sheathe of muscles which covered Jyabura's abdomen; as initial prognosis went, that was a bad one. Kaku slapped on his neutral face to conceal his thoughts, and even Lucci, after muttering that at least it wasn't his blow that'd done the idiot in, nonetheless stuck around to hear the final verdict. They both knew the score, as did a suddenly silent Jyabura. Rokushiki, to put it bluntly, was just not meant for the human frame. It had killed more than one practitioner who tried to master it, and all agents had been warned from the start that possible side-effects, from the bizarre to the lethal, could occur after prolonged use of a technique which pushed the human body well beyond its limits.

The doctor finally got a clear visual up on the ultrasound screen, and in his surprise he unfortunately blurted out his diagnostic in a voice loud enough to be heard all over the infirmary.

It took three hours to get Jyabura back to a state that could approximate calm, during which a wall was destroyed and two of the medical staff became patients in their own clinic. They'd have bypassed the suture room and ended up straight in the morgue if Kaku didn't have very good reflexes. The situation could have gotten very ugly, since Jyabura's hysteria (a manly and totally understandable kind of hysteria) had added to his natural strength so that he surpassed even Kaku. But Lucci, after laughing more in the past hour than he had in the past decade, finally intervened and helped pin the wolf Zoan down until he got a grip.

"This is a nightmare," crooned Jyabura softly, not as if he was trying to convince himself so much as induce a state of self-hypnosis. "This is just a nightmare. I'm going to wake up and it will go away." He was so far gone, he hadn't even noticed Hattori perched on top of his head, squinting down at him curiously. 

"What I don't understand is, how could this happen?" Kaku mused aloud.

" _You_ don't understand how it could happen? Do I need to take that personally?" Lucci asked archly.

"Ha ha, wise guy. What I mean is, I mean...what _do_ I mean?" Kaku scratched his head under the cap. He barely had that much more grip on the situation than Jyabura. "I mean, this implies that you, um, slept with someone, Jyabura. A guy, to be specific."

Jyabura jumped - Hattori toppled off with a startled coo - and said, "No I did not," while a look of guilt spread across his face like an oil-slick.

"Who was it, mutt? Not that I particularly care," Lucci added, though the words 'except as future ammunition' could be clearly heard in the subtext.

Jyabura stared at the ultrasound's still-shot in horror for five long minutes. The four thumb-sized blobs on the screen - four! - stared back. Their daddy - Kaku's brain couldn't handle 'mommy' and he hoped Jyabura wouldn't trip over that concept and blow a gasket - finally muttered: "It was four months ago, after Enies Lobby. We'd all gotten our tails kicked, and I was kinda...I just went out for a drink at the docks with all the Marines, incognito, like. I just wanted to get away for a bit. I got a bit smashed, and this guy, he'd been drinking on his own in a corner steadily throughout the night-"

"It figures."

"Lucci, hush."

"And well...I don't actually remember very well..." Jyabura was now studiously glaring at the ceiling, doing his best to look surly about all this rather than mortified. "But this guy- I mean, I don't normally- but Gyatharin wasn't speaking to me-..."

"What was his name?" Kaku asked, since this fellow should be contacted and made to face up to his responsibilities. Kaku mulled that thought over briefly and realized that if he actually formulated it, Jyabura would rip out his intestines and stuff them back in through his eye sockets.

"I don't remember," Jyabura admitted, going very red in the face. "He...um...he was just there...he'd gotten his butt handed to him by the bloody Straw Hats - twice, he said - we sorta clicked - in a _guy_ way of course- and he had eyes like, you know, _eyes_ , and he smelled like woodsmoke and cigars, and-"

"Excuse me," said Lucci, heading for the door, "I need to go and retch."

"Whoa, wait, Lucci. What are we going to do about this?" Kaku asked, tilting his head towards the still-shot on the screen. 

"What do you mean, ' _what_ are we going to do about this'?" snarled Jyabura at the same time Lucci said, "What do you mean, 'we'?" 

"Well, Jyabura, you're, um..." Kaku wisely avoided the P word, but it hung in the air.

"It's bloody obvious what I'm gonna do about this! Get the doctor right back in here and get this thing sorted out _now_!"

"Are you sure?"

"ARE YOU INSANE?"

"Well, it's your choice, of course," said Kaku with a wistful glance at the screen, "but I've always wanted to be an uncle-"

"You are insane. Go away. Lucci, get him out of here before I damage him, and on your way out, do let the door hit you in the ass and then call in the doctor."

"I can do that," said Lucci, "but if I remember what happened in the previous cases of this type, it won't do any good."

That earned him a duet of "What?! Previous cases?"

"Of course. We learned about this in initial CP9 training, remember?"

"We- we did?" 

"The class by that old Six Forms and Inner Energy expert?"

"...All the boring stuff about what happens if we get carried away using Rokushiki and how we should meditate every day to keep our energies flowing up or down or in a circle or whatever...? I kinda remember that one. I went to sleep halfway through," muttered Jyabura. 

"That class?" said Kaku, whose schooling days were closer than Jyabura's. "But- of course I remember, but the teacher was a hundred years old and an utter sex maniac. I figured he was either gaga or having us on with some private fantasy. You mean it's real?!"

"Why do you think we always use protection?"

"...I need to sit down."

"Find your own table," growled Jyabura, shoving Kaku off. "There were previous cases, you said?"

"Yes. Ten in the entirety of Rokushiki's seven hundred years of history. It's a very rare occurrence-" there was a _clonk_ as Jyabura head-butted the hanging light over the medical examination table. "I went to ask Master Roshi some questions after the class; Zoans - and oddball cases with extra vitality like Kumadori - are known to be particularly at risk, and I wanted to know as much about the phenomenon as I could, since it sounded like something that should be avoided at all cost. Fortunately for you, mutt, it means the doctors will know how to deal with this once they dig up the old records, particularly those concerning the deaths of the first four cases."

"Deaths?!" Jyabura hollered. 

"Yes. At the time, various surgical procedures were tried, and failed. The dissections were informative," Lucci added, with all the compassion of a shark. Kaku reminded himself that this was what made his colleague and lover such a good assassin, though it certainly detracted from his bedside manner. "The embryonic sac's placenta is anchored in the Rokushiki user's energy center, the liver, and its arteries. All operations to remove it resulted in massive haemorrhage that killed the patient in minutes. You can still try it; we've progressed a lot surgically these days. There will be quite a lot of tearing and damage to internal organs and your abdominal muscles, and you'd still have a good chance of buying the farm, but-" 

"But- but what about the guys who survived?" Jyabura asked, pasty white behind his facial hair and with protective arms crossed over his liver.

Lucci shrugged. There was the hint of an amused smirk lurking somewhere beneath the apparent indifference. "I didn't go into that much detail with Master Roshi, but from what I know of those cases, the doctors finally let nature take its course. When a woman is at term, the placenta detaches automatically, severing the connection properly. Of course, in a man-"

"What?"

"-an operation will still be needed, because-"

" _What?!_ "

"-the sac will have burst and everything will be floating around in the abdominal cavity without an exit, and there'll still be a bit of haemorrhage and the risk of septicaemia, but-"

"Whu-whu-" 

"-from the fact the six other cases survived, we have to take it that that particular operation was concluded without a problem. Less of a problem, anyway. Oddly enough, the resulting viable children-"

" _Wh_..."

"-seem to have been affected by their odd conception, and have often gotten some form of Zoan contamination to them, but that isn't necessarily an impairment for future service to their government-"

"Lucci, for Pete's sake, shut up. Jyabura? Hey, doc? Doctor? It's safe to come back in. Your patient's passed out."

Lucci let the smirk loose at last. "I swear, it could only happen to that knucklehead..."

Kaku settled Jyabura's head a little more comfortably. "As long as he survives, I suppose it's not that great a deal; he'll just be out of commission for a few months, and look what we gain from it. Four little Jyaburas running around the place. I wonder if they'll be as energetic and competitive as their daddy."

As Kaku had rather expected, Lucci lost the smirk double-time.

 

END (thank god)

We now return to your regularly scheduled insanity...

**Author's Note:**

> Like any truly demented idea, this one generated other works, so if anyone has a fic they want to link/post or just give me permission to add as an additional chapter, give me a buzz.
> 
> (If you thought you saw a guest appearance by DBZ's Master Roshi, then no, you are not insane. You are only insane if you read this fic to the very end and saw this note.)


End file.
